Thoughtful Thursday - Strong Women

I felt like cheering when I read this. For some reason, some women have gotten the idea they must be tough, loud, rude, crude, or downright mean, to be free. They used to call it women's liberation back in the bra burning 1960s. I understand, to a degree, why it came to this extreme. People didn't used to listen to women unless they made some sort of commotion. It was a man's world.

It makes me think of when, on occasion I'd lose it with my kids.
"Why are you yelling at me?" they'd ask.
"Because you didn't listen the first three times I tried to talk nicely to you about this. Now I have to yell to get your attention."

But ladies, the sixties were over 46 years ago. I think we can stop yelling now. We've yelled until our throats are raw and our message is distorted. It's time to let the pendulum swing back toward the side of being strong, yet gentle, humble, compassionate, rational, and disciplined. The world knows women have a lot to contribute beyond making babies and keeping a clean house. We don't have to scream it anymore. We don't have to burn our bras or be more masculine.

Let's be the beautiful, gentle creatures God created us to be. It doesn't cancel out our strength, our intellect, our fierceness, our passion, or our discipline. And it certainly doesn't steal our freedom.

Relax. Lean into the sweet femininity within. Quit fighting it. It's a gift. Embrace it, then live strong and free.

Linda

What to Do When Kids Mess Up

I witnessed some good parenting this past weekend while attending a sporting event. A man and his four-year-old daughter sat in the row behind us. Apparently, the little girl had accidently hit the head of a man in front of her. Her aunt, who she was sitting by when the incident occurred, said she needed to apologize to the man. The girl refused. After a bit of prodding, she still wouldn't do it. That's when the dad stepped in.

"Hey," he said to his daughter. "Come here."

She moved down the two seats toward him, head down, arms crossed, grouchy-pouty face full on.

"What's going on? Tell me what happened." 

If she responded, I couldn't hear her.

"Did you hit the man in the head?"

I assume she nodded.

"Did Auntie ask you to say you're sorry?"

Probably another nod.

"Did you do it?"

"No."

"Then go do it."

Again she refused.  

"Listen, baby. No one cares if you messed up. Everyone messes up and it's OK. But when you mess up, you have to say you're sorry. That's what big people do. Okay? Now go tell him."

Reluctantly, she made her way back to the man. I couldn't hear if she apologized. But I saw her dad help her lift her arm to high-five him, which is pretty much the same thing. And then Dad asked her if she wanted to go walking around the ball park with him. All was forgiven. She'd done the right thing and her daddy loved her. 

I was so taken by this interaction. That dad got it right and he taught his girl some important lessons. Obeying is mandatory. Apologies are necessary. She wasn't in trouble because she hit the guy. She just needed to make it right. Dad's love was never in question. He never got mad or even raised his voice. He explained the situation calmly and told her what needed to be done. 

A simple explanation to a child goes so much further than anger. And it models respect, which will be returned as the child grows. I wish I could say I got it right all the time when I was raising my kids. I didn't. I'm lucky if I got it right half the time. But I love seeing parents doing a good job. May this example inspire you to keep at the often exhausting task of disciplining your children. Or as Galatians 6:9 says, "So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up" (NLT). 

                     

That blessing just might be well-behaved, thoughtful children living for the Lord.

Linda

Speak Quietly

Disciplining with Love

Disciplining with love sounds good, right? But it's so very hard in the frustration of the moment! How can it be done? Here are a few ideas.

1. Set clear expectations. If you expect your child to obey the first time he's asked, then set a consequence if he doesn't. If your expectation is that he comply by the time you count to three, set your consequence based on that standard. Whatever your expectation, make sure he knows and understands it before an infraction occurs and let him know the consequence. Be consistent in whatever you establish.

2. Make the consequence fit the crime. If Jr.doesn't pick up his toy when you ask, the toy gets put away where he can't play with it. It ties the infraction to the consequence. It tells the child, "You can't play with the toy if you won't put it away." Tell him when he can have it back and stick to it, regardless of whining or complaining. Did he hit his friend? He must apologize and may not continue playing if he won't be kind. Did he talk back to you? A time out may be necessary until he is ready to say he's sorry. Be matter of fact when you explain these things to him. No need for anger. These are simply the rules and you must follow them.

3. Don't raise your voice. Children will listen better and feel more respected (and therefore more likely to respect you back) if you stay calm and have a conversation with them. If they've disobeyed you, sit them down and tell them how you feel. Explain why you need them to do what you asked. Tell him you need his help by obeying. Remind him your family is a team and you all need to work together. He's an important part of the team.
4. Don't shame. When you correct your child, don't shame him. Instead, encourage him. Tell him what he did wrong. Assure him you understand he's still learning and wants to do what's right. Give him the opportunity to make a better choice. Help him figure out what options he could do next time.
5. Always hug your child after disciplining him. This shows him you love him even when he's less than perfect. Remind him we all make mistakes and the main thing is to try not to keep doing the same wrong things over again.Tell hiim there's nothing he could ever do to make you stop loving him. This gives him a firm foundation of love so he doesn't have to act out so often.
6. Apologize. No matter how good your parenting skills, you will always have moments where you "lose it." Give yourself some grace. God does! Remind yourself that you're still a good parent even when you make mistakes. We all do the best we can at that moment in time. Above all, go to your child and tell him you're sorry for getting angry. It models humility and doing what's right even when it's hard. When you apologize, you let your child know it's okay to be less than perfect and lets him be more honest around you.

If your child is simply unmanageable, you may need to get family counseling. There could be deeper issues that require professional help. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek it out.

How do you discipline in love? Do you believe in spanking? What alternatives are there to it?

Linda

Disciplining Children With Nonverbal Cues

Ever feel like you're talking to a brick wall when it comes to disciplining your kids? Seem like nothing you say is heard or obeyed? Maybe it's time to come up with a different discipline strategy. If you're tired of talking and having to say the same things repeatedly, why not try silent discipline?

Start disciplining with nonverbal cues. Sit down with your children and talk honestly with them. Tell them you aren't happy with how the disciplining has been going. Own up to the fact that you may not have been as respectful to them as you should have been, if that's the case. Never mind that they may have been disrespectful to you, too. Apologize and ask their forgiveness. Tell them you're willing to try a different way of discipline if they'll be responsive to it. Explain that you'll use nonverbal cues when you need them to do something differently. Let them help you decide what the cues will be. Here are a few suggestions:

Nonverbal Cue                                                    Translation

Hand on child's arm                                               You're talking back, please stop

Shaking head                                                         No. That's unacceptable.

Index finger pointing up.                                         Please wait. I'll be right with you.

Hand on heart.                                                       I love you.

Thumbs up                                                            You're doing great!

Hand up                                                                 Stop

Index finger to lips                                                  Quiet

It may be that your child might like to have some nonverbal cues to use for you, too, such as:

Hand on your arm when you're talking to someone     I need to say something.

Finger twirling in the air                                               I have to go to the bathroom.

Tug on his ear                                                             I'm bored/I'm ready to go.

Hand cupped behind ear                                             I didn't hear you.

Of course, many parents use standard American Sign Language with their children, too, and find it to be useful, especially for nonverbal children. Using cues ratchets down tension. It keeps parents and kids from yelling at each other and it bonds you because you have a secret code no one else knows. There's power in a loving touch. It conveys so much more than spoken words. Nonverbal cues work beautifully with some, but not all, children. So if you're frustrated with verbal communication with your kids, try it! Even a slight diversion from the norm is a nice break for everyone and it may make your usual form of communication easier to hear if you return to it.

Do you use nonverbal communication or discipline with your children? What are your cues and how do they work?

Linda