Letting Go of Your Kids

by Linda McQuinn Carlblom
We're in the letting go phase of parenting. Our youngest is sixteen and as I write this, she's in another state with a trusted adult friend from church for spring break. I miss her! But it's part of the gradual releasing of a child that every parent must eventually do.

In April, she'll go on her first mission trip and will be in the Philippines for two weeks. I'm so excited for this opportunity for her, but at the same time, I have my share of apprehensions too. Will she stay healthy? Will she manage well in another culture? Will her cell phone work? Will she do her missionary duties with ease or will it be excruciating for her? Will she be safe?

I am not a worrier by nature. I have great faith in God's ability to care for her and faith in my daughter's ability to handle herself well. But as a mom, I think about those things that might come up. But I've been letting go of this child since she was born.

She was only two when she spent her first night away from home with someone other than Grandma. I thought she'd never make it until morning without crying for us, but she did. Our friends called the next morning to say she wasn't ready to come home yet and could she stay until later in the day? Relief and grief swept over me. Hooray! She did fine! She doesn't need me! Boohoo!

As parents, life with our kids is a series of letting go moments. That first sleepover. The first day of school. A birthday party. Summer camp. Their first job, first date, graduation, wedding. Little by little, that soft hand in ours slides away and learns to cross the street without us. It's how it's supposed to be. But that doesn't necessarily mean it comes easy.

So hold that sweet hand in yours while you can. Let it slide softly away as it grows. Pray hard, love deeply. Trust that you've taught them all they need to know to succeed out there on their own. And rest assured God's eyes are always on them, even when yours can't be.

Links on letting go of your kids.
http://tinyurl.com/75b4ug9

http://www.bhg.com/health-family/school/back-to-school/how-to-let-go-as-they-grow/?rb=Y#page=1

Linda

Entertaining Kids in Church

by Linda McQuinn Carlblom

As a parent, grandparent, children's minister and author, my heart beats for kids. But things have changed a lot since I was a kid and even since my children were young. One of those changes is the way children are viewed in church.

Most churches offer a Jr. church option of some sort or at least provide packets of worksheets and puzzles for kids to do during church. I admit I'm conflicted about this. On the one hand, I know it makes it easier for parents to worship when the kids are occupied. And genuine learning can take place as kids do Bible puzzles and worksheets, especially if they must look up things in their Bibles to come up with the answers.

But is it the church's job to keep kids entertained? As a children's minister, one part of me says to do whatever it takes to keep the kids engaged and keep the parents bringing them. But another part says parents should provide whatever they deem necessary to keep their kids busy and quiet. Or instead of bringing quiet activities for the kids, should parents help kids stay engaged in the service by encouraging them to sing along with the congregation, sit and stand at the appropriate times, put money in the offering, and help them find the scriptures the pastor uses?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions. But I'm wondering where parents stand on this. What do you expect from your church in regard to your kids?

So parents, what's your take on this? When your kids are in church with you, as opposed to being in Jr. church, do you like the church to provide activity packs to keep them busy during the service? Or would you rather teach them to sit quietly and participate in grown-up church, bringing your own bag of tricks if necessary? Do you feel it's the church's job to provide quiet activities for your children? If none are provided, does it keep you from attending that church? Let me hear from you! And don't worry--there's no right or wrong answer and no judgment here!

10 Tips for Family Unity

by Linda McQuinn Carlblom

A family is a close-knit unit. As such there should be a sense of unity, a certain team spirit, if you will. But family unity does not happen on its own. It's nurtured, grown, and fought for. So how does a family build this kind of camaraderie? Here are 10 tips to get you started.

1. Play together. Make time to just have fun. Play board games or the Wii. Go to the park. Have silly contests. Laugh. Tickle. Share a hobby.
2. Support one another's interests. Go to each others' plays, concerts, games, work picnics, and science fairs.
3. Celebrate achievements. Or better yet, celebrate the person who achieved something. Let them know you're proud of them and acknowledge their hard work.
4. Pray for each other. Share needs with each other. Pray together as well as individually. Tell family members you're praying for them.
5. Be kind to each other. Say you're sorry when you're wrong. Say please and thank you. Share. Offer to help. Use common courtesy. Express appreciation. Let others go first. Build one another up. Don't allow insulting humor or name calling.
6. Stick up for each other--whether the person you're sticking up for is there or not.
7. Eat together. At breakfast, hear what others have on their schedule that day. Then you'll know how to pray for them. At dinner, let each person tell about their day. Ask open ended questions like, "What was the best thing that happened to you today?" "The worst?" "Most surprising?" "Funniest?"
8. Respect each other's individual personalities. Some people are born talking, laughing and commanding the room's attention. Others are quiet, thoughtful, observant. Both are wonderful. Accept the different personalities in your family. Acknowledge the good parts of each one. Let everyone be themselves without judgment. Throw a compliment party where everyone shares one thing they love about each family member.
9. Work together. Teamwork is often built during hard work, just as character is built through adversity. So paint the house together, do yard work, hold a garage sale, visit the sick, repair equipment, cook meals, clean the house. People, even young ones, need to feel needed and that they have a useful purpose.
10. Guard your family time. Life is busy. So make sure you carve out time simply to chill as a family. If you're invited to an event, you don't have to go just because nothing else is on the calendar. Reserve time to do nothing together. Even if you're doing your own things in separate rooms, it's nice to listen to the sounds of your family all under one roof at the same time.

Bonus tip: Come up with a phrase to say to your family members whenever they leave the house. It may become a hallmark of your family. A friend's father used to tell them as they left, "Remember--you're a Smith." It carried a certain responsibility that they uphold their good family name while they were out with their friends.

Family unity often takes deliberate focus. You may want to have a family meeting and discuss what rules your family wants to live by. Then post them for all to see. Or list the characteristics you want your family to have, the kind of people you want to be for each other. When you see your kids living out your family creed, you'll know it was worth the effort.

How does your family create a stong bond of unity? Which of these ideas would you like to put into practice? What's a good hallmark phrase for your family?

How to Raise a Child Who Helps

By Linda Carlblom

We've all seen them, kids who clear their plates from the table and take them to the sink without complaint. Children who take out the trash without being told. Kids who genuinely seem to enjoy helping. How does that happen? A freak of nature? Here are a few tips to train your child to help.

1.  Begin when your child is a toddler. When she's taking the silverware out of the dishwasher as fast as you can load them in, compliment her. "Thank you for helping! Can you put the silverware back in the dishwasher for me?" Show her where it goes. Helping becomes a fun game.
2. Give kids a voice in their chores. Write down the things that need to be done. Divide the list by the number of people who will be helping. Then let them take turns choosing the items they'd like to do. So, for example, you have four people in your family old enough to help. Divide your list of 20 items by four. Each person will do five chores. Have the youngest choose one item from the list first. Then the next youngest does the same and so on until all items on the list are crossed off. Obviously, not all chores will go on this list since you don't want a five-year-old mowing the lawn.
3. Take time to teach them how to do a job. It's easy to say, "it's faster to just do it myself." Of course it is. But it doesn't help your child learn or feel valued. Accept the fact that for a few years, things won't get done as quickly as they might if you did them yourself.
4. Celebrate after chores are done. Give positive feedback or gentle correction if something needs more attention. "The bathroom you cleaned looks terrific! Oops! Looks like you might have forgotten to clean the mirror. As soon as you do that, you'll be done!" To celebrate, choose a movie to watch together, go get an ice cream, take a bike ride, or call Gandma.
5. Give age appropriate jobs. Nothing is more discouraging than always failing at something. So make sure your kids succeed far more than they fail. For a list of age appropriate jobs for kids, click here.
6. Work together on some jobs. Sometimes a big job like cleaning a room is just too overwhelming. Help them do it if they seem to need a hand. And break big jobs down into small steps like make your bed, pick up your clothes, etc.
7. For very young kids, make a list using pictures. Instead of just listing clean your room, give them specific directions like 'pick up your toys' and draw a picture of a teddy bear so they'll know what that list item says. My kids loved having a list to work from that they could actually "read." 
8. Show appreciation. This is a biggie. When a child helps in some way, whether asked to or not, thank them. Let them know you noticed and that their contribution is appreciated.

Raising kids to be helpful doesn't come easy. It takes consistency, patience, and guidance. But I remember one day working in the kitchen with my ten-year-old daughter and realizing that her help was really helping, not hindering my progress. All those years of letting her work beside me were finally paying off. And it was worth it!

How do you get your children to help? How do you instill in them a good work ethic? What special tips would you add to this list?

Welcoming Your New Baby

by Linda McQuinn Carlblom

The sweet baby in the picture is our new grandson, Titus Xavier, being held and admired by one of his three older brothers and his only sister.  That makes five grandchildren for those who are counting. They all belong to my daughter and her husband, who are absolutely the best at integrating a new baby into the family. To my knowledge, none of their children have ever been jealous of their new siblings or felt left out. I'd like to say I taught them how to adjust so nicely, but I'm pretty sure I had nothing to do with it. Here are a few tips I've learned from watching them and others add to their families.

Pre-Baby

1.   Share the new baby news with your children first. Enjoy the secret for a few days or even weeks within your own family before sharing it with the rest of the world.

2.   Include the kids in coming up with how you’ll tell others your good news. Be creative! Maybe they’ll design a puzzle for people to figure out or sign a card with their handprints and include one extra tiny handprint as the announcement. Think outside the box. Listen to everyone’s ideas with equal respect.

3.   Allow your children to go to ultrasound appointments with Mom to see their new baby. This helps them understand there really is a baby growing in there! If they don’t go along, show them the ultrasound pictures and talk about the new baby. Who does he look like? I wonder what his favorite color will be.

4.   Let children hug Mommy’s growing tummy. Encourage them to talk, read, sing,  or kiss it if they want. Anything as long as they’re kind and gentle.

5.   If a child’s nervous about having a new sibling, listen and validate his feelings. Assure him what he’s feeling is normal. Shaming has no place in a loving family. Build up the child by reminding him of all his positive character traits that will make him a wonderful big brother. Remind him God is there to help him in his new role.

 Post Baby

1.   Have kids draw or paint pictures or cards to take to decorate Mom and Baby's hospital room.

2.   Introduce the new baby to your older children privately.  Have some special family time before allowing extended family in to see the new baby.

3.   Allow them to sit and hold their new sibling if they want, giving gentle instruction on how to do it. Praise him for his gentleness. Respect their wishes if they aren’t interested or comfortable holding the baby.

4.   Let children help you by carrying the diaper bag, getting needed items for you, bringing the baby a toy, etc.

5.   Don’t expect your children to love the baby like you do. They may be uninterested and would rather play.

6.   If your child wants to take pictures of the baby, let him. It’s a way to show he’s growing up and is proud of his new sibling. Let older siblings take their pictures to school.

7.   Make special time to spend with your older children. Give them lap space, time to read books with you, play a game, do a puzzle, take time to talk about what's happening in their world that doesn't necessarily revolve around the baby.

      

Bottom line is to make the whole experience a family adventure, not just a couples event. And do it with much joy!

How have you welcomed a new little one into your family? What worked? What didn’t?

Family Celebrations



We're a family that likes to celebrate. Any excuse will do. And why not? It's easy to get caught up in the distractions and negative things that bog a day down. But we choose to celebrate the good things no matter how small. And by celebrate, I mean going out for ice cream, to the dollar store for a toy, or maybe out to eat. Nothing elaborate or expensive. Just a time to acknowledge "We did it!" Here's a list of some things we've been known to celebrate, other than the obvious holidays.

1. The first day of school
2. Report cards even if there are some bad grades on them. We choose to celebrate the good grades and those that have improved from last time
3. Making it through another week of school - every Friday we get an ice cream or French fries on our way home
4. A promotion at work
5. The last day of school
6. The completion of a household job (like cleaning out the garage or working in the yard together)
7. School concerts, plays, or anything else our kids are involved in
8. Making it through a tough day or week
9. The completion of one of my books
10. When I get a book contract
11. When my husband gets a new client
12. Baptisms
13. Finishing a big school project
14. Getting our house back to ourselves after having company
15. A new pet

You get the idea--it doesn't take much to call for a celebration around here. It makes for a joyful family and gives us a chance to thank God for His goodness.

What does your family celebrate? How do you do it?

New Years Thoughts

Like most people, I've been thinking about goals for the new year. I'm not much of a resolution maker, but I do think along those lines. What did I do right last year? What would I like to do better? What about my family? How would I like to improve it?

Here are a few things I need to work on.

1. Appreciate the little things. My husband gets up and goes to work faithfully every day to provide for us. I want to thank him more for it. I want to take in all the sideways glances my teenage daughter and I share across a room--those unspoken communications that say, "Did you see that?" and we know we'll laugh about later. Priceless. As I write this on my laptop on the couch, I'm enjoying our little dog snuggled up as close as can be beside my leg. Aaaah. I hope to really savor all these things every day.

2. Reach out more. I tend to be introverted. Reaching out does not come naturally for me. But I know I was made to live in community with others. As much as I'd love to cocoon in my house, I realize that I grow and stretch and become a better me when I include others. I plan to invite more friends over, and to let my friends know how much I care.

3. Use my crockpot weekly. I can cook, but I have a list as long as my arm of things I'd rather do. But when I stick something in the crockpot in the morning, I feel good all day. The meals are so easy and taste like I slaved away for hours. And we usually have leftovers for a day or two. So I hope to be better about meal planning and using my crockpot so we can eat well regularly without a lot of work. I'll admit it--I'm lazy!

4. Share spiritual growth. Did I mention I'm an introvert and prefer doing things alone? Well, that includes my spiritual growth. But there's a certain joy in sharing the journey with your family if they're willing to journey along with you. Even though you may not all be at the same place spiritually, you can still share insights, stories, something you read that meant something to you that day. I'm terrible about this. I keep all these things to myself. Sooo, I hope to be more open with my family spiritually this year. Hopefully they'll feel more free to open up to me in this area as well.

5. Laugh it off. Now this is a biggie. I have a pretty good sense of humor. I use it generously in my family. But when tensions are high, I tend to clam up. I sulk. I give the silent treatment. I avoid. How would things change if I laughed instead? Boom. Tension evaporates in the presence of laughter. It doesn't resolve problems, but it does create an environment that's easier to talk and feel safe. So I vow to try to laugh instead of yell, smile instead of frown. I'll be needing your prayers on this for sure!

That should give me plenty to work on this year. How about you? What things would you like to do that might make a difference in your family life?

Blessings, love and peace to you and your family in 2012!