Nurturing Resistant Teens

I know what you're thinking. Aren't we supposed to raise compliant teens? Don't we want them to be obedient and easy to get along with rather than resistant? Well, yes. And no. Compliant and resistant (rebellious?) teens both need nurturing.

As a plant needs to push through the hard dirt in order to stand strong and healthy in the wind, so our teens need to push against us to be strong and independent in the world. Same goes for other species in creation like a bird pecking its way out of its shell or a butterfly fighting its way out of the cocoon. If you try to help by breaking the shell for them or peeling back the cocoon, the animal dies because it didn't gain the strength needed by working its way out on its own.

Teens are no different. They push us with their know-it-all attitudes, their eye rolling, and sometimes outright rebellion as they try to find strength to stand on their own. As parents, it's not easy being the hard dirt. It hurts when our shells are cracked by their cutting words and missed curfews. But it is a necessary part of their growth. They need our loving support firmly pressing the dirt around their weak little stalks, reinforcing the tender roots that are forming in places we can't even see. Still, I don't know a single parent who didn't feel helpless and uneasy, if not downright disheartened, as their teen emerged from their warm cocoon. Knowing that doesn't make it any more pleasant. Nor does it mean your teen shouldn't be corrected. But even as you discipline them, remember they are doing what is necessary and completely natural. It's part of the unspoken plan, the mystery of God and nature.

 When I was a teen I hated myself at times because of the way I treated my parents. But I couldn't seem to stop it either. In hindsight, I think it's almost like a force of nature, a silent call to independence, the pulling away that must happen for teens to move into adulthood. They may not understand or like their actions any more than you do. That's okay. But as a parent, it calls for tremendous amounts of grace.

Grace. Understanding. Forgiveness. Prayer. Generous doses of laughter. These are all essential ingredients parents need as they journey through the teen years. Never forget your child's struggle and how they count on you to be a constant stabilizing force in their life. Eventually, they'll be mature enough to appreciate all you've done for them. And that warm, loving person you raised will re-emerge, mature and capable.

What is the hardest thing for you about being the parent of a teen? How do you cope?

Linda

Putting Christmas Away

I love celebrating Christmas. Any story with a baby always captures my attention, but a baby, conceived supernaturally, born to save the world? Just hearing the first few words from Luke, chapter two stirs my soul. "In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to their own town to register" (NIV). I know what's coming--Who's coming! God's only Son, heavenly hosts, lowly shepherds, a young mother wrapping her newborn in swaddling clothes and laying Him in a manger, peace, goodwill toward men. I love the story. It is the beginning of my salvation.

That said, I don't love all the work that goes into Christmas, either to make the holiday happen or to put it away. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the decorations and music, the red and the green. But I dislike putting up the tree and the lights and taking them down again just a few short weeks later. It's like a writer saying they don't like writing, but they love to "have written." The same is true for me at Christmas. I love the result, but not the work it takes to get there.

This year I was blessed to have my two oldest grandsons, ages twelve and ten, come help put up the outside lights with Grandpa and then return to take them and the Christmas tree down. It was a gift they didn't even know they'd given. I was elated not to have to deal with that tree. Sure, there were other parts of the house I had to un-decorate, but at least that big part was done. It made the rest seem so much more manageable. 

But guess what? The boxes of decorations, lights, and wreaths that we took down are still sitting in my entryway waiting to be stashed into the closet for another year. They've been there for four days now. I hate looking at them. But do I move them? No. Why? Because I hate putting Christmas away! I'm ready to be done with it and move on into the New Year, operating on a routine schedule, but those boxes are still sitting. And so am I. 

So, today I am making myself a promise. Those boxes of decorations will be out of my entryway by tomorrow. After all, putting away Christmas in no way means I'm putting away Jesus. He'll still be the radiant centerpiece of my life, burning brighter than any Christmas candle. But I'll feel more organized and ready to tackle the New Year with those boxes securely packed away. My heart will be able to sing, "Oh come let us adore Him" with fresh fervor when my house is less chaotic. 

Sing with me, "Joy to the world, the boxes are gone!"

Anyone else feel like this? Or are you one who would love to keep Christmas up all year long? Chime in in the comments.

Linda

Friendly Angel Reminders

In a semi-weird moment this morning, I felt a connection to the angel on top of our Christmas tree. (If you keep reading after that opening sentence, I have a special love for you.)  In the quiet of the morning I  looked into the living room and just at that moment, the blinking light hiding inside her flowing white dress blinked-- and it felt like she waved at me.

Yes, dear angel. I see you! I remember the story, the blessed reason for the season. I can almost hear you and your friends singing, "Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill toward men." Your voices ring out above the bleating of the shepherd's sheep. Your brilliance fills the sky, shepherd's eyes wide with fear, then awe. Did their eyes fill with tears? Did they high-five one another as you faded into the night sky? Was there bickering about what they'd seen or simple worship as they herded their sheep?

Caught in the busyness of the season, I need an angel's wave from time to time to remind me of the reason I celebrate this holy holiday. There is joy, peace, wonder, in this life if you keep your focus on the One who came as a baby, born to save. He is here, the greatest gift ever given. Open your heart as you would a present. Let Him in. Experience His great love for you this Christmas.

May the rich blessings of Christmas fill you with His love.

Linda

5 Tips if Your Child Wants to Volunteer

When my daughter, Ashley, was 12, we went to a guinea pig rescue to get her a new pet. Who knew such a place even existed? Apparently lots of people change their minds about having small pets and they need a place to take them, which is where the rescue steps in.

 Lisa, the owner, ran the rescue from her home and had wall-to-wall cages in her living room. Ashley was awestruck. Lisa asked her if she'd like to hold a few guinea pigs before she left. Yes! Then Lisa mentioned she could always use an extra hand to hold and help bathe guinea pigs or clean their cages. She told Ashley if she ever wanted to come over as a volunteer she'd love to have her.

That short visit was the catalyst for almost six years of Ashley being a volunteer. From the guinea pig rescue, she moved on to a different small animal rescue called This Little Piggy. It was a perfect opportunity for her animal-loving heart. She could put in volunteer hours around her own schedule and it fulfilled her desire to be with animals without bringing more into our home, which made me happy! She learned a lot about how to care for animals and earned credentials and references she can use on her resume.

About two months ago, Ashley's volunteer work turned into her first paying job. This Little Piggy has evolved into Arizona Down Under Exotic Petting Zoo and Ashley is their first paid employee. Though it has been operating as a mobile petting zoo for birthday parties and school visits, the onsite grand opening will be held Nov. 30- Dec. 1 (Thanksgiving weekend).

Might your child be interested in volunteering?

If so, here are five tips to consider. You never know what doors it may open for him.

1. Figure out what your child is passionate about. Music? Art? Animals? Sports? Organizing? Nature? Science? The possibilities are practically endless.
2. Look for organizations specializing in that area of interest.
3. Visit the organization's website to see if they use volunteers. If so, what are the age limits? Do they require a certain number of hours per week or month? We found that many of the animal-related places accept volunteers only if they are over the age of 18. 
4. Visit the volunteer site and meet the people your child will volunteer with. If you're uncomfortable with them in any way, they're not the right fit for you and your child. 
5. Be willing to volunteer with your child if he's nervous doing it alone the first few times.

Volunteer work teaches responsibility, work ethic, gives your child a purpose beyond himself, and educates in an area in which he's already interested. It also lets him try out a job to see if he likes it. 

Has your child volunteered? What did he do? What were the benefits? Were there any negatives about the experience? Looking forward to hearing from you!

Linda

5 Things I Don't Love About Halloween

So yesterday I blogged about 5 Things I Love About Halloween.  Today, I'll tell you 5 things I don't like about it. Here goes.

1. Pagan history - The history of Halloween is rather dark, but also somewhat uncertain. Some say it came from Celtic harvest festivals where they gathered food and supplies for the winter. Then the Celts mimicked evil spirits by dressing in costume to scare the dead from coming back and causing havoc, such as sickness or crop failure. But as one astute reader commented yesterday, one can also view it more positively as All Souls Day, followed on November 1 by All Saints Day, when you remember lost loved ones. Sort of a Memorial Day, if you will. You can read about Halloween history here.

2. Teenagers trick-or-treating - I think it's cute when costumed little ones come trick-or-treating. But when the kids are as big as I am, not so much. I still give them candy, but personally, I'd like to see parents tell kids they're too old to go trick-or-treating when they start high school. That's just me. They can still have costume parties, or hand out candy at the door, or any other fun Halloween activities. But when kids get that old, they're not all that cute anymore. Instead, they often tend to be greedy, showing up with pillowcases already loaded with candy, no parental guidance, and an attitude of entitlement. Which takes me to the next thing I don't like about Halloween.

3. Greedy kids/parents - Children who come to the door all cute and dressed up melt my heart—until they grab the candy and run without so much as a thank you. And the parents waiting don't always make them come back and say thank you, either. They're missing out on a wonderful teaching moment.

4. Scary decorations - Why do people have to have bloody, scary, moving decorations in their yards these days? Developmentally, children under the age of five have a hard time knowing what's real and what's not. Let's not traumatize kids. Let's keep Halloween about jack-o-lanterns, orange and black, candy, costumes, fall, etc. (Stepping off soapbox now...).

5. Inappropriate costumes - I honestly cannot for the life of me figure out how some parents justify the horrific or sexy costumes they put on their little darlings. (I know, I sound like an old judgmental bat!) Believe me, when they're sixteen and asking to wear the same thing, it's going to be hard to explain logically why it was okay when they were five, but not now. Let kids be kids. Don't make them into some gruesome or sex-charged character. They're only little for such a short time. Use the time wisely and dress them up as cute as you can, while you can! 

So there you have it. My Halloween gripe list. Now I promise to shut up and go eat some candy. :)

What do you see as the pros and cons, likes and dislikes about Halloween? How do you deal with them? 

Linda

5 Things I Love About Halloween

Halloween has become a somewhat controversial holiday. As a matter of fact, some readers are probably bristling right now because I just called it a holiday. I have mixed emotions about it. I know Halloween's background is dark. But I also know that as a kid, its history didn't matter to me and that certainly wasn't what it meant to me. So today and tomorrow, I'm going to post 5 reasons to love or not love (sorry, but hate seems a little strong) about Halloween. Today's all about loving it! So here are my top 5 reasons to love Halloween.

1. Candy - Who doesn't like this? Whether you should or shouldn't eat it is beside the point.

2. Families doing things together - Parents enjoy seeing their kids looking so darned cute and showing them off to the neighborhood. And families spending time together doing something fun is always a plus in my book.

3. Outreach opportunity - Halloween provides a chance for churches to draw people in for fall festivals and hope. It's also a natural, informal chance for individuals to distribute some Good News with their candy.

4. Neighbors interacting - I don't know about you, but I know only a very small fraction of my neighbors. But on Halloween I see neighbors outside chatting, oohing and ahhing over each other's children, and genuinely getting to know one another. It's an opportunity to build relationships and build a community feeling.

5. Imaginations at work - Coming up with costumes allows children to get creative. It pulls them out of video games, gets them outdoors, and stimulates their imaginations as they become whoever they're dressed as. Our kids' best costumes happened when we had the least money and the kids had to "make something up" out of what they had. Great life training, if you ask me. What's not to love about that?

                                                                                                                                         

So, there you have it. Halloween isn't all bad! There's plenty to love about it.

What about you? Do you celebrate Halloween and, if so, how? What do you love about Halloween?

Linda

One Topic I'll Never Blog About

I've blogged on a lot of parenting topics. I made plenty of mistakes as I raised my three kids but I did a lot of things right, too. I've also learned a lot from watching my daughter parent her seven children—she’s a far better parent than I ever was. But there's one thing I will never blog about because I never mastered it as a parent and I'm no better at it as a grandma—teaching children to go to sleep on their own. The picture below is of me walking my grandson, Solomon, to sleep.

Sleeping issues are often a parent's top frustration because it affects them the following day (read weeks, months, years) as sleep deprivation sets in. So why couldn't I figure out how to teach my kids good sleep habits? Two reasons. I love rocking babies to sleep and I couldn't stand to hear them cry.

Seriously, is there anything sweeter than holding a child as he drifts off, that soft little body snuggled tight against yours? Or providing the warm childhood comfort of being held, feeling loved, cherished, and safe? Nothing else even comes close. So if my child wanted to rock with me, you can bet the answer was always yes, even if it meant it took twice (or three or four times) as long to get them to bed. Even if they woke when I laid them down and we had to start all over again. I simply couldn't resist that cozy snuggle time.

And all the advice about letting your baby cry himself to sleep? I simply couldn't do it. Still can't. Honestly, it breaks my heart. I simply cannot, will not, do it. I know. I'm a bad mom. But I was so good in so many other ways.

When my baby cried, my natural instinct was to comfort her by picking her up. Believe me, I tried to resist that urge. I really did! I'd pat her tiny back, coo to her, maybe even sing a lullaby. But if she still cried, I had to pick up the sweet thing. I had to!

Here's the thing. My children are now ages 31, 28, and 19. And every one of them sleeps through the night. They're wonderful people and I'm so proud of the adults they've become. I have terrific relationships with all three of my kiddos and miracle of miracles, I didn't scar them too terribly with my occasional lapses in parental judgment. So my advice to you regarding sleep issues or any other issues you face as a parent?

Follow your heart, your gut, your instinct. You've got this. Your children will turn out fine as long as you do your very best and love them beyond reason. I know you already do. At least most of the time. And in my experience that is enough.

What's your toughest issue as a parent? I can't wait to hear from you.

Linda