Forgiving When Children Disappoint

(This post first appeared on this blog on July 4, 2012. It has been one of my most viewed posts, so I'm rerunning it today.)

No matter how great your kids are, they will probably disappoint you. I'm not talking about small disappointments like forgetting to pick up their toys or clean their room when you ask. I mean deep disappointments that hurt your heart and make you wonder what their future holds.

When they lie to you about where they've been, announce they're pregnant, experiment with drugs, or consistently break curfew, how do you forgive them and keep loving them? Obviously, there are no easy answers. But here are ten things you may want to consider.

1. Remember your child is trying to find his way in the world. He will make mistakes. Just because he's using bad judgment now doesn't mean he always will. 
2. Look for any positive quality in your child and focus on it.Let him know you appreciate that quality. For instance, "I love how you're so tender with your girlfriend. You'll make someone a wonderful husband someday." You act as a mirror to your child. Hold up a positive image of him so he can live up to it.
3. Catch him doing something right and either thank him for it or comment on it. If he picks up his dirty dish and carries it to the sink, thank him. Or say, "You're getting really good at picking up after yourself." Show him you notice the good in him and not just the bad.
4. Hold him accountable. Let natural consequences be his greatest teacher. If your child won't get up to go to his summer job, let him sleep. Eventually, he'll get written up or fired. Great! This will teach him he must be responsible with his job if he wants to have the money he wants or needs.
5. Don't make his problem your problem. You can advise, pray, and possibly help, but if he wants to make a bad decision, he will, and there's not much you can do about it. Talk to him about it and decide what the consequences will be.
6. Speaking of consequences, set them and stick to them. Or better yet, let your child decide what he thinks his consequences should be.Often, they're harder on themselves than you would be.
7. Pray for your child and let her know you're praying for her. Even if she seems to resent it, I believe deep down, she appreciates it and even expects it.
8. Keep showing affection. It doesn't have to be hugs and kisses, but a pat on the back, a hand on the shoulder or a smile from across the room convey that you're happy they're your child no matter what you're all going through.
9. Keep a sense of humor. What would happen if you laughed instead of got mad? How much tension would that eliminate from your home atmosphere? Try it. You'll love the result.
10. Offer grace. Your child blew it in some way. He expects a punishment of some kind, but seems to be genuinely sorry for what he did. Surprise him by wiping the slate clean. No punishment this time. It's what God did for us when he let Jesus die in our place. We were forgiven when we didn't deserve it and you can give your child the same experience. It sends him a powerful message of how deeply you love him.

When children disappoint us it feels like the end of the world, but it's really not. Keep in mind that most parents disappoint their children, too, so we're all on level ground. Keep loving, laughing, and praying for your child. God has them right where he wants them and is teaching them things an easier path may not have. And don't miss the lessons he's teaching you on this journey. It's all good when it's in God's hands.

How have you coped when your child disappointed you? How have you handled it when you disappointed your child?

Linda

Forgiving When Children Disappoint

No matter how great your kids are, they will probably disappoint you. I'm not talking about small disappointments like forgetting to pick up their toys or clean their room when you ask. I mean deep disappointments that hurt your heart and make you wonder what their future holds.

When they lie to you about where they've been, announce they're pregnant, experiment with drugs, or consistently break curfew, how do you forgive them and keep loving them? Obviously, there are no easy answers. But here are ten things you may want to consider.

1. Remember your child is trying to find his way in the world. He will make mistakes. Just because he's using bad judgment now doesn't mean he always will. 
2. Look for any positive quality in your child and focus on it.Let him know you appreciate that quality. For instance, "I love how you're so tender with your girlfriend. You'll make someone a wonderful husband someday." You act as a mirror to your child. Hold up a positive image of him so he can live up to it.
3. Catch him doing something right and either thank him for it or comment on it. If he picks up his dirty dish and carries it to the sink, thank him. Or say, "You're getting really good at picking up after yourself." Show him you notice the good in him and not just the bad.
4. Hold him accountable. Let natural consequences be his greatest teacher. If your child won't get up to go to his summer job, let him sleep. Eventually, he'll get written up or fired. Great! This will teach him he must be responsible with his job if he wants to have the money he wants or needs.
5. Don't make his problem your problem. You can advise, pray, and possibly help, but if he wants to make a bad decision, he will, and there's not much you can do about it. Talk to him about it and decide what the consequences will be.
6. Speaking of consequences, set them and stick to them. Or better yet, let your child decide what he thinks his consequences should be.Often, they're harder on themselves than you would be.
7. Pray for your child and let her know you're praying for her. Even if she seems to resent it, I believe deep down, she appreciates it and even expects it.
8. Keep showing affection. It doesn't have to be hugs and kisses, but a pat on the back, a hand on the shoulder or a smile from across the room convey that you're happy they're your child no matter what you're all going through.
9. Keep a sense of humor. What would happen if you laughed instead of got mad? How much tension would that eliminate from your home atmosphere? Try it. You'll love the result.
10. Offer grace. Your child blew it in some way. He expects a punishment of some kind, but seems to be genuinely sorry for what he did. Surprise him by wiping the slate clean. No punishment this time. It's what God did for us when he let Jesus die in our place. We were forgiven when we didn't deserve it and you can give your child the same experience. It sends him a powerful message of how deeply you love him.

When children disappoint us it feels like the end of the world, but it's really not. Keep in mind that most parents disappoint their children, too, so we're all on level ground. Keep loving, laughing, and praying for your child. God has them right where he wants them and is teaching them things an easier path may not have. And don't miss the lessons he's teaching you on this journey. It's all good when it's in God's hands.

How have you coped when your child disappointed you? How have you handled it when you disappointed your child?

Linda

5 Ways to Deepen Your Child's Self Worth

Another year of American Idol is done. I think back to the audition phase of this competition and wonder why some of the contestants are absolutely crushed when they aren't put through to the next round. I understand that they're disappointed. But there are always a few who cry and say  the audition was their whole life. They have nothing to go home to. They lived to sing on American Idol.

Really? American Idol is as deep as their life experience goes? As deep as they ever hoped it would go? Now that's sad. It begs the question, how can I make sure my kids have a deeper, more fully grounded sense of their worth? Though there's no magic bullet answer, here's a few tips.

1. Teach children to live for others. Children who have a sense of purpose outside themselves aren't so disappointed when things don't go their way. They recognize that there are always others worse off than they are and that they can reach out to help. They discover life isn't all about them and their accomplishments. It's about easing others' burdens.
2. Affirm children for their positive character traits, not their performance. Johnny got a good report card? Praise him for his perseverance in studying hard. Susie organized a car wash benefit that raised thousands of dollars? Praise her for her leadership skills and compassion. One child helps another with her homework? Thank them for being so kind.
3. Give kids opportunities to serve. This is a way to get their eyes off themselves and onto others and their needs. Encourage them to help a neighbor just for the satisfaction of making someone else happy. When you see someone doing an act of kindness, even if it's just holding open a door, or speaking a kind word, point it out to your child. A simple "That was nice of them," is all it takes. It opens your child's eyes to ways he can help, too. Give your child chores to show them that serving and living with purpose starts at home.
4. Teach your child faith. Every child has a need to believe in someone greater than themselves. When they're very young, a parent may be enough. But way too soon, they begin to understand that parents are flawed people just like them. They need to know they're loved and never alone even if their parent lets them down or can't be there for them. For me, that someone is God. He grounds me in ways a mere human cannot. He's an anchor that keeps me from getting blown around in life like a leaf in a storm. Faith isn't a weakness. It's a quiet strength that sustains you through life's disappointments.
5. Accept your child for who he is. Your child may be very different from you. You may not understand him. That's OK. Love his quirky self anyway. Try to get to know him for who he is, not who you wish he was. Enter his world. Do things he enjoys. Find out what makes him tick. He was created for a purpose just as you were. Allow him the freedom to be who he was created to be without judgment or criticism. It's one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.

If the five points above sound idealistic, you're right. You probably can't do all of them all the time. But if you can hit on some of them some of the time, at least your child will have experienced that in his life. She'll have heard those words or seen those actions coming from  you and will be all the stronger for it. No parent is perfect. No one gets it right all the time. But even when we do a few things right, kids know they're valued. And they have a more grounded sense of self worth.

What other suggestions can you give to build up your child's self worth? Can you remember something someone did for you that impacted your life in a positive way?

Linda