Thanksgiving Reflections

It's almost Thanksgiving! I'm looking forward to spending the day with my extended family. Everyone's coming to our house, all 23 of them!

I'm thankful for the opportunity to offer hospitality, love, and nourishment to each one of them. I'm also thankful everyone is bringing a portion of the meal, making my role a little less daunting. I'll provide the turkey and our traditional chicken noodles. The rest of the family will bring dishes such as corn, potatoes (both mashed and sweet), dressing, green bean casserole, rolls, pies, cranberry salad and chips and salsa. I eagerly anticipate the hugs of grandchildren, laughing with my sister, drinking coffee with my mom and enjoying my children--all rich blessings from the great Giver of all gifts.

I pray you have memory-making moments that last a lifetime. That you savor every blessing of life as much as you do the feast you eat. And above all, that you remember to thank the One who makes life worth living.

This is one of my favorite songs of thanksgiving. Maybe you'd like to sing it with your family before your meal, or even as your prayer this year. Many of you probably know it, but if you need to hear the tune, you can listen to it here: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/don-moen-lyrics/give-thanks-lyrics.html.

Give Thanks

by Don Moen

Give thanks with a grateful heart

Give thanks unto the Holy One

Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son (repeat)

And now let the weak say, 'I am strong'

Let the poor say, 'I am rich

Because of what the Lord has done for us' (repeat)

Give thanks

Thanksgiving blessings to you and yours!

Linda

Thanksgiving Traditions

Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday. I love that it begs us to stop and give thanks to God for all our many blessings. It asks us to look at life from a different perspective, one that isn't always wanting more, and to be content—yes, even downright thankful!—for what we already have. It's easy to forget year to year how we've grown and how God has blessed us. So in order for our family to remember how very blessed we are—not just one day a year, but throughout our lives—we have a couple of Thanksgiving traditions we continue to this day.

 The first and my personal favorite is the Thanksgiving tablecloth. My mom bought a white linen tablecloth a dozen or more years ago and some permanent fabric markers. She asked us all to write on the tablecloth something for which we're thankful. Every year we reuse the same tablecloth and add what we're thankful for or one way in which God has blessed us that year. We all sign and date our entry. This became particularly meaningful after my father died and we could see his writing on our tablecloth and remember his legacy of faith and thanksgiving. It's also fun watching the grandchildren grow and seeing their scribbles turn to actual writing. It's a linen journal of thanks that we gather around as we eat the traditional feast each year. And because we use permanent fabric markers, the tablecloth is washable.

The other tradition is newer, only a few years old. In the Bible when people saw God at work in their lives, they often built a memorial to God out of rocks. It reminded them of what happened at that place and gave them opportunity to tell their children of God's faithfulness to them. I set a basket of smooth river rocks, usually two to three inches in diameter, in a basket. Each person takes a rock and writes on it what he's thankful for or a way God has worked in their life. They can then take the rock home and start building their family's thanksgiving memorial. It's also a way to share your faith as people see your pile of rocks and ask what it is.

There are so many ways to acknowledge God's goodness to us. It doesn't matter how it's done, only that you recognize the Giver of every good and perfect gift. So gather ’round the table and give thanks!

What Thanksgiving traditions do your family practice? If you don't have any, do you plan to start some? What will you do?

Positively Strong-Willed

I have a strong-willed child and I'm so thankful that I do. Not that it's easy, as any parent with a strong-willed child will attest. But there are some definite positives to raising a child with a strong will.

I remember talking with my daughter when she was around seven. Her strong will had been rearing its defiant head more than usual that day. Now it was bedtime, a time to reflect on the day. I recall saying something like this to my girl. 

"You have something called a strong will and that can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you use it."

She nodded and looked down. She knew we'd had a bad day just as much as I did.

"When you use it to disobey, even when you know what's right, it's the wrong way to use it. But when your friends ask you to do something you know you shouldn't and you tell them no, then that's a good way to use it. Do you understand?"

Another nod.

"I'm glad you have a strong will. I know you'll use it the right way most of the time. We all make mistakes and wish we did things differently sometimes. Remember that I'll always love you, no matter what."

That little girl is now almost seventeen and has used her strong will in the best ways possible most of the time. She's her own person, to be sure, and isn't afraid to take the road less traveled if she believes it's the right one for her. She isn't easily bent by peer pressure.

Here are a few tips for parenting your strong-willed child:

• Don't try to squelch your child's strong will. Be thankful for it and try to channel it in positive directions. As your little one grows older, it can be a huge asset in helping him stand up for what's right and stand against what's wrong. Peer pressure evaporates when a strong-willed child says no. And they help weaker friends make good decisions.
• Tell your child about this amazing gift called strong will that God placed inside her. Make sure you keep your comments positive. I sometimes referred to it as a super-power!
• Remind your child how God would have him use his strong will. This comes in handy when your child disobeys. He can be determined to make good choices with that stubborn will as well as bad.
• Give choices when possible. This gives your child the ability to make her own decisions, yet stay within the boundaries you've set.
• Pray for him to learn submission when necessary. A child can't always get his way. Try to empathize with him when he has to submit. "I know you feel frustrated that you can't do it your way this time.. But it's Mommy's turn do it her way." Or, "I can see you're disappointed (or angry, or whatever). I'm sorry. But I really need your help with this." Give consistent consequences for noncompliance.

Most of all, pray for yourself as you raise this child. As parents, we always need wisdom and God is glad to give it when we ask (James 1:5). Ask Him to give you eyes to see the good in your child and that you'd be able to guide his strong will in positive ways. I know you'll find a delightful child lurking behind all those "No's!"

Do you have a strong-willed child? How do you know? What tips can you give for raising such a child?

Linda

Proper Perspective

Finally brothers and sisters, keep your thoughts on whatever is right or deserves praise: things that are true, honorable, fair, pure, acceptable, or commendable. Philippians 4:8 (GW)

I'd read that verse a hundred times or more throughout my life. It always made me think of my behavior, my thoughts, the things I should or shouldn't do. But when I read it this time, I thought of my parenting skills.

I've recently struggled with my teen about school work, how it sometimes isn't getting done when it should. Normally, we get along great, but in this one area we sometimes experience conflict. Then I read this Bible verse in my morning devotions and it slapped me in the face. Have I been keeping my thoughts about my daughter on what she does right and that which deserves praise? Are my eyes open to the things about her that are true, honorable, pure, acceptable, and commendable?

Too often, I let areas of challenge overshadow all the good. As parents we often get so caught up in correcting our children and shaping their character that we forget to notice what they do right. My daughter is exemplary in most ares of her life. That's remarkable for a sixteen-year-old! She's strong in her faith, has a great sense of humor, is kind and compassionate, and gets along with almost everybody. 

So today I vow to keep my thoughts on whatever is right or deserves praise: things that are true, honorable, fair, pure, acceptable, or commendable, especially in regard to my daughter. And guess what the next verse says? "Then the God who gives this peace will be with you." Ahhh. I'll gladly trade yesterday's stress for God's peace today.

How do you keep your mind on the things this verse mentions? Why is it so easy to let the negative crowd out the good we see in our children? Or is it? Leave me your thoughts in the comments below.

Linda

One Thing a Divorced Parent Should Never Do

I know, I know. One shouldn't use the words "never" or "always," or for that matter, "should." But I'm breaking that rule today because, well, “never” actually applies in this case. Let me start by saying I was a divorced parent. My husband chose to leave me when I was four months pregnant with our second child. Our daughter was two-and-a-half. I was a single parent for almost five years. I made LOTS of mistakes. This blog post isn't big enough to list them all. But I carefully avoided doing this one thing--bad-mouth my ex to my kids.

I did not marry a saint, nor did he. But regardless of his character, he still held the honor of being my children's dad. That's all the reason I needed to keep from speaking ill of him in front of my kiddos. But in case you need a few more reasons, I'll gladly supply them.

                

1. A child's identity is tied to his parents. Children know they inherit more than height and eye color from their parents. Therefore, when you bad-mouth their dad, you bad-mouth them as well. They may wonder if they have the same bad trait you just said your ex does. Children, no matter how young or old, do not need this self-doubt, especially coming from a loving parent.
2. It reflects poorly on you more than it does the person you're speaking badly about. This is true even when you're not dealing with kids and exes. 
3. It will come back to bite you. Never fails, one of the kids will slip and tell the other parent what you said. Do you really need more stress in your relationship with your ex?
4. You'll set a bad example for your kids. Speaking unkindly of anyone is a bad example. Doing it about someone they love is downright cruel. Bite your tongue until it bleeds if you have to.
5. It puts your child in an awkward position. No child should be put in a position where they have to defend their parent. It's unfair and improper. Don’t put your child in the middle of a disagreement between you and your ex. 

So what do you do when your ex is a person of terrible character with serious bad habits and issues? (These suggestions do not apply if your ex is abusive to you or your children.)

1. Discuss a negative aspect of your ex only if your child brings it up. Say things like, yes, your dad smokes and that's a really bad habit. He made a bad choice when he was younger and I know he wishes he had made a different one. But that doesn't mean he's a bad person. He just made a bad choice, like we all do sometimes.
2. Pray with your children for their other parent. Remind them that God loves him/her, even when they make poor choices. 
3. Teach your children to respect their parent. It's a biblical principle that we honor our parents (Exodus 20:12; Matthew 19:19). Respecting someone is not the same thing as condoning bad behavior. It means you honor their position as a parent, just like you want others to respect you as your child’s parent. You can teach your children to be kind, respectful, helpful, and so on, in regard to their other parent, even if they don't deserve such treatment. They're still the parent God gave them and He instructs your child to honor them.
4. Protect and support your child. If your ex is unkind (not abusive) to your child, speak up on his behalf. Let your ex know how it made your child feel. Try not to project your feelings into the conversation. This conversation is about defending your child, not your feelings or your style of parenting. Support your child by letting him know he can talk to you about his other parent without fear of judgment or a verbal attack on your ex. Let him know you understand and will always try to help him have a good relationship with his other parent.
5. Above all, pass your faith on to your child. It will be a strong foundation for this, and all, his relationships. Love your child through the difficult times and pray for them and their relationship with your ex.

As your children grow up, they'll respect you for not giving in to the temptation to speak ill of their parent. Your ex's true character will become evident to your child in time without your negative input. 

How have you handled a less than perfect ex? How have your children coped? Any tips you can give for keeping your lips zipped when you want to bad-mouth your kids' other parent?

Linda

Teaching Your Child to Tell the Truth

We've all stood aghast and listened as our child told a whopper of a lie. Sometimes they're so outrageous you don't know whether to laugh or cry! Some lies seem harmless and indeed may be. But others can signal deeper integrity problems that must be addressed. How to know the difference? And how can you tell for sure when your child is lying and avoid falsely accusing him?

When my children were young I used to ask them one simple question to ferret out lies. I'd say with a smile, "Is that the truth or is it just a good story?" This paints the child in a good light either way so they're more willing to admit if they just told a lie. It also helps them differentiate the difference between truth and fiction. If it turned out to be "just a good story," I'd say I really liked it, but in this situation, I really need to know the truth. I'd explain it's important to tell the truth when asked so people will know they can trust them. Then I'd ask them again, what the truth is for that situation. They usually were glad to tell the truth then. I made sure to praise them for their honesty and being so trustworthy.

Here are some reasons kids lie:

• They're afraid of getting in trouble. Who hasn't done this? In our house, the penalty for breaking a rule was greatly reduced or even done away with if they told the truth about it the first time asked.
• They want to look important. This could signal some self esteem issues. Make sure you praise this child every time you catch them doing something kind, or performing a chore well. Praise them more for character traits you notice than performance. Also, give them responsibilities you know they'll succeed at. Everyone needs a job and a purpose to feel good about themselves. Praise them for their hard work or perseverance, even if the results aren't perfect.
• They don't know truth from imagination yet. Children younger than five years old may have a hard time knowing what the truth is because their imaginary play world is so real to them. So help them learn what's real from what's pretend before meting out any punishments for lying.
• To protect someone. This is especially true of older kids. Their friends may do things you wouldn't approve of and your child may lie to keep their actions from you, even if they themselves aren't participating in them. They may fear you'll cut them off from their friend. Assure your child of your love and concern for them as well as for their friend. If possible, partner with them to help the friend. Pray for him and for your child to be a positive influence in their life. Encourage your child to do the same.

Lying can become a prevalent problem that erodes relationships if not addressed when a child is young. Pray for discernment and wisdom as you guide your child toward a life of integrity. And keep a good sense of humor and laugh at the outrageous when it's obvious he's just telling a good story!

Linda

Handling Separation Anxiety

I know you probably think I'm talking about your baby's separation anxiety. But I'm talking about yours--and mine. Parental separation anxiety, you might call it.

I'm getting ready to go on a trip to Hawaii with my hubby and our best friends. We leave this Thursday (so there won't be a new blog post next week). Our sixteen-year-old daughter is staying home with my son and his wife, who are currently living with us. I admit I'm already beginning to suffer from separation anxiety. You'd think I wouldn't suffer from this since my daughter is almost grown. But alas, once a mother, always a mother.

Here are my symptoms.

• I can't sleep well because I keep wondering if she'll be all right while we're gone. She just started online school this year. Will she keep up? Will she get lonely? Discouraged?
• I start thinking of food items I should buy for her to enjoy while I'm gone. Though we're only going to be gone for a week, I usually end up buying more than she could eat in a month.
• I wonder about how often I should check in with her while we're gone. I don't want to be too annoying, but I don't want her to think we've forgotten about her either. What's the perfect balance?
• I start lining up rides so she can get to her various activities. If one falls through, she'll need to call someone for backup. 
• I go into laundry overdrive. Heaven forbid she run out of clean clothes before I get back! 

So many things to think about! And of course once we're on vacation, I'll start looking for the perfect souvenir to bring home to her.

I don't consider myself a worrier. Just a good planner. :) And really, I know my girl will be just fine while we're apart.

I just hope I will be.

How do you handle your own separation anxiety? What are your symptoms?

Linda